PïSS off

This is going to be dirty, yeah dirty enough. So, have you ever been to a public washroom? What kind of question is that, exclamatory kind.

Oh, I am talking about the guys section here, only the JACKS, so JILLS – please don’t read, you wont understand.

Well I am lost for words here. I simply cannot think of one single line that cannot be explained in more derogatory terms than what it would suppose to convey. So, simply ignoring the other side of the discussion(if you want it to be)..I would say, “public washrooms are one of the most interesting and mysterious places in world”

And hereforth, I place the argument to support the claims,

First of all, the construction of cubicle is such that sometimes you wonder, was the architect a gay who played a practical joke on all the pissers in the world. Why? The separators are always too awkward or small to suit your comfort. Then there is always an anomaly, what to do? I mean, when you piss, is there anything, any damm thing in the world that can make you look cooler than that guy whos doing exactly the same right beside you? Well, the simple fact is that it’s a natural thing, and you are always conscious about it when you are doing it. So, what to do in the meanwhile? What to think about > nothing !

And then, where to look? Another biggie to answer. So you look in the wall, then above the sideways(the guy, oh) then as you have scanned all four directions - obviously, you cant look back, unless you are scared of those rascals whom you pulled while they were at it and eventually led them to piss at their own shoes(remember OWAIS ? )..finally you look down at you thing (weird but true) and subconsciously wish to get it over ASAP.

And then, there is always that weird neighbor in the section beside. He would be so immersed in that mobile call that hes doing it all with his left hand (& you wonder) but final, he needs to close the zip(!) And its something like “Main…ku..kuch nahi kar raha…ek second yaar(closes)…haan bol “

Or else it would be that guy who will be so much into the ‘section’ that …I wont say any further here….

And yeah, theres some other special features as well… I remember someone not being able to stand still while doing it, rather he was kind to oscillating to and fro, for a second it looked like he was fornicating the ‘section’ ..dont laugh it could be a disorder…

HA HA HA,,disorder my ass….hes a pimp…

Oh I am forgetting the singing types, ever noticed those whos humming there while doing it..well what else can one do there?

Anyways, time to bid adios, but always remember that there are several other peculiar things that make doing it more interesting – like targeting those white balls in the ‘section’ or doing it the sideways to avoid that sound,, don’t lie to me..we’ve all been there…

And what to say when you find your boss in the sideways section? Maybe this “Hey, how are you doing?”(not the joey way please)

PS : ‘section’ refers to that basin where you do it..I dnt know what do we call it.

Afterthought – Why do 80% of guys spit in the section before, after or while doing it? No no, it’s a fact

Synecdoche_New_York

Everything is more complicated than you think. You only see a tenth of what is true. There are a million little strings attached to every choice you make; you can destroy your life every time you choose. But maybe you won't know for twenty years. And you may never ever trace it to its source. And you only get one chance to play it out. Just try and figure out your own divorce. And they say there is no fate, but there is: it's what you create. And even though the world goes on for eons and eons, you are only here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. Most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born. But while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years, for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right. And it never comes or it seems to but it doesn't really. And so you spend your time in vague regret or vaguer hope that something good will come along. Something to make you feel connected, something to make you feel whole, something to make you feel loved. And the truth is I feel so angry, and the truth is I feel so fucking sad, and the truth is I've felt so fucking hurt for so fucking long and for just as long I've been pretending I'm OK, just to get along, just for, I don't know why, maybe because no one wants to hear about my misery, because they have their own. Well, fuck everybody. Amen.

I am running blank for a title, please suggest ...

Its Janamaashtmi today. And for some mysterious reasons, this day is always cheering for me. Maybe its due to the festive spirit, those wonderful songs - 'mach gaya shor saari nagri re..' et al.And yeah, theres this definite rain on this day...its so amazing that it rains for sure on this particular day...its just like Christmas snow. or whatever. But I am really peppy ans joyed. On this one(like always) my family(except me) is keeping a fast. So, I ve to go and get 'paneer' and sweets. You see, it all is so good and pious and festive.

I take a walk to the 'mithaiwala', and there is a great mood in streets as well.

Alls good.

Its eight and we sit in drawing room, watching TV. I come and join my family. There is some news channel thats broadcasting two different events - both are janmaashtmi celebrations...just the difference...Salman Khan is star-casting in one(promoting Dabang) and Akshay Kumar in the other(promoting himself). Background is all about how "munni badnaam hui".

"whats all this crap?",says me. "Give me the remote"..takes it.

Change - Same.

Change - almost the same, just the difference - a golden wrapped Sukwinder singh is all gung ho over 'jai ho'

Change - wow, Harbhajan Singh too is featuring in Salman Khan's promote-my-movie-with-whoever-and-where-ever-i-am..

"Goddam these news channels".

My mom snatches the remote. "Astha par dekho, vrandvan ki janmaashtmi aa rahi hogi"

Change to aastha - Sorry mumma, its some politician attending some celebration, yeah this is more close to bhagwan-ki-bud'day-party..

change to something like aastha channel - some young kurta singing some bhajan sounding 'love me baby love me'...

"I am outta here", says me again.And I am outta there.

Strolling on my roof, I am all heads about how we have commercialized religion, faith and even ourselves.

Theres always a sales-strategy behind every thing in our reach. Anything we think we should understand comes with an advertisement.

I dont want to know the reasons, but I contemplate to myself that we never ever try to ask just one simple question to ourselves - "What is the point?"

After all said and done, for some abstruse and unknown reason, I look upwards, smiles and says(dont know to whom) - "I know you must be having a good laugh over all this down here !"

MMS(ecretory)

Secretory to MMS : Sir, Obama will be coming in September.

MMS : What? Have they caught him ?

Sec (frowns) : No, Sir. I said Obama not Osama.

MMS : Yes, I know US president. I met Mr. Osama in G3 summit. What I am asking is, Have they caught that obama?

Sec(completely blown out): Ummm, Sir. Obama is the president. Osama is the terrorist.

MMs : Really? Then I had dinner at white house with a terrorist. Damm those americans. They think they are so smart and the guys been hiding in

their president's crib. I must call em at once. (picks up the receiver) Hello, connect me to US!

Sec : Ahh. Sir. That is to the pilots cabin. We are on the plane, remember?

And sir, Obama is the president and you had dinner with him.

MMS (confused) : O hho. These goras must get a good accent. He called himself AUAAMA(tries the accent,pathetically)..So much for their fake accent.

anyways, I am hungry. Get me a happy meal.

Sec : Sir, we are on a plane...to germany...

MMS : Oh yes. But....what went wrong them, did we beat them in football..

Sec : Sir..We dont play football....

MMS : Is it so, even after that 'chak de india'...I loved amitabh's role..u know the way he teaches those dislexic players...and all..it was all

so scientific n complicated...frankly,I didnt get the ending of that movie..

Sec (deep sighs) : yes sir, even I didnt...

MMS : So, wheres my happy meal?

Sec (wishes now that he had a shotgun) : Sir, you had it twenty minutes earlier.

MMS : Really, oh. I am sorry then, I must go for a walk then. (gets up)

Sec (for the love of god,somebody just tell me the name of the person who made him the PM) : Sir, we are on our way to berlin...We are on the

plane....

MMs : Ha Ha..ofcourse ofcourse...I was just testing you. You are good, good. See, thats why you are my bodyguard..And when will we reach

france...caz I cant wait to see the Big Ben first thing..and you know th......

(thats all folks,MMS returns sson)

P n P

Its been loong......despite the respite..lets put all that behind. Rock n roll.

Its been after so many tried-in-vain efforts that I am finally writing this. For several times, I wrote something deleted something(wow, thats two past in one sentence, Is it correct?).

Then I switched to Guy Richie movies and then by absurd turn of irregularities got into 90s melodramatic bollywood music. Its really surprising how things get to you, only you get into the free flow. Just say yes to them, and eventually it'll end up good.

What I learned from all this was a simple aspect of life that I should call as "measuring-me".

To begin with, let me just be clear that its completely not-logical and hypothetical philosophy, anyone not interested, kindly dont proceed further. Its just my take on how to interpret things.

What I feel is that we, as social beings develop lots of prejudices. [ sidenote - In my opinion. "pride & prejudices" is one of the best phrases ] That is to say, we hear a lot and see a lot from everyone.

And then again, being in materialistic society, we do deal with things that are very bland in their own nature. Everything is eventually a combination of mass and energy in the physics.

Things are just things. They dont have any values and there is no standard ISO 9000 to this. What I intend to say is that we give value to things, we associate our tastes, likes, dislikes to them. And by that association comes the division, into the classes, into the society and into the psychology(of human race).

Thus we label things. Make them more than just things and measure our selves to things.So, If I happen to like Linkin Park, what I am doing is setting my standards of liking to Linkin Park itself. In a way I am measuring myself(or my likes) to a particular 'thing'. Same but in different tones goes to our other emotions as well. Here we make them more than just things.

And with this comes complexity.

Of limiting ourselves into the binds, of following a trend. When many likes one thing, many more will like it too. This goes to the inability of expressing our own choices and thus failing to develop an opinion of our own. That is one reason that we lack passion, because we never had a taste of our own, it was always borrowed. So, when I saw a crappy movie which was stupid by every(ones') standard, but still enjoyed it, I could not come to like it. But, I knew before the interval that GODFATHER is one of my favorites(eventhough it might end with Mike opening the corleonne saloon).

So, my opinion. Everything is born out of effort and energy. Just try to appreciate it. More towards the things that you dislike now. This might broaden our vision to see world. And if we fail to do so, accept that as a combination of one's lack of perception and interest. I am not saying that we should praise everything, I am just saying that before coming to the prejudices, have your pride measure it up against you and then have an opinion(that too out of respect). Because your ego is the only thing thats not yours.

and yes 90s bollywood rocked evrything from DDLJ to jaan tere naam to dhoom dhadaka. but its true that somethings must be disliked (like shah rukh khan)[balance prevails]

jst (dont) name it

Whats wrong with you.?? Yes, I am asking you. I know you are not here, for the reason being simple enough that it contradicts your self. Yet I am asking - why the hell do you share your share of miseries with the entire web-space of orkut.

theres a broad categorization depending on how weird or stupid ur orkut name can be..

(ONE) on mere philosophical terms -> life is like a river, live like you mean it,Lord please help me help my stupid self, happiness is so happy, take the chances-give me the bournville (okay i made the last one) ...(n the one before that too) but you get the point...moving on

(TWO) on your current status-emotional, psychological, marital(!!), et al ....{i m using name homer to excuse all who pooped this shit on their orkut profiles, heres the samples -> homer!!exam over, homer!!complicated, homer!! kicked in nuts, homer!!punjabi puttar(ha ha,the satire my goodness), homer!! sailing high on life, homer!!back home, homer!!hurray!! i am finally married, homer!!i ll always remember this day, homer!!crack on....poor homer

(THIRD) those who declare themselves that which they seriously can never be{i think orkut is pretty handy there} -> i m cool, mr. X - hot as heater, the dude, champ back on commode, i rule my lunch box etcetra etcetra

(FOURTH) are those who for some reason(that i would never understand) scribble(if its possible there) their names in hashes and slashes, so that it actually takes an anglo manuscript to decode it -> i m extremely srry as i cant give examples to this one, but if must know it looks something like this \;'\\,>><$%^~`!@ (it reads - this guy needs a new name, for all I care)

for further support to the motive presented. heres the link of profile that suggest names for profiles on orkut but better is the list of members -> http://www.orkut.co.in/Main#Community?cmm=62392029

heres the example (i dont know even one of them) so i dont care ....

❝╡ﾶ尺ﾉdu╞▬❞ i miss my old days, ●๋•αккι™ mY lYf WuD sUcK wIdOuT U, 4m dwrka strt... Ank's d gr8...#37, kimig◄◄◄•●→ Memories of Ur Broken promis, _____мѕ. нα[ω]т ¢нσ¢σℓαтє__________________, ╚»ŔŐÚŃĂĶ«╝» мιsS υ (jAaN) ωнη ∂я ιz η0 яєѕη!

now-its getting on my nerves...so ta-da

I dont know whether GOD exists or not.

But religion, for sure, as we know it - does not exists.

George: We're gonna get a little place.

Lennie: Okay, yeah, we're gonna get a little place and w're gonna...

teen(ke liye) patti

so .. leaves do have that effect on you .. more when the flavor milk comes as supplementary..

this time it was JC..lego..dumbhead..and..lemur...

motleyed into the DEV-D kinda theme, they matched the concept of the day.. it was just the psyche of four(three atleast) that made world go black n red, somethin like the "sin-city" with lego n dumbhead on the emergency control mission.. it was no less than a situation where you can say "Houston! we have a problem!!". just the difference.. there was no houston..

somehow..meters equalled kilometers and the axial tilt of earth shifted to no less than 45% SE.. there was no point talkin co-ordinates.. soon lego was dead(atleast that was what dumbhead kept on askin every 3 minutes) and JC kept on forgettin his own jokes .. the laugh ride was all time high..

lemur was somehow a pacifier-kinda-ape(!!).. he convinced dumbhead atleast 213 times that he was still normal..

dumbhead by this time was busy reloading lego..JC busy umm umm doing ....somethin(do all actions have words assigned to them?).. "how the fuck are they playin cricket in this tilted park" .. "yeah man, why s ball not comin to us".."are those two there--gays"..."bhai, tu jim carey hai yaar".."the person you are tryin to reach is unreachable"..."karan, main normal hu na yaar".."did u piss in my glass..nyways I ll still have it.."

then he got it. the packet in pocket. dumbhead n lego had the salt n nimbu..they were now in a car parkin n now comes the food..lots n lots of it.. JC somehow had manufactured a puri-sabji plate..lego was down in a corner and dumbhead was busy mounting his plate with puris till the point where people started suspectin him of smuggling...

next day they all knew about the their respective blackouts but leaves were not gone yet...ice-cream and the effect insinuated..that made it a 2 day hangover(almost)

PS - i shud ve said this earlier, its a reader-specific article..not all will understand.

"Shoot all the bluejays you want, if you can hit ‘em, but remember it’s a sin to kill a mockingbird."

?? I ??

I am another lazy Piscean, I run a marathon everyday!!

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless gangster.

I have been in a semi-coma state for now almost 42 years, with 20 on credit.

On weekends, I perform opera in my balcony, most of the times its “house”-full.

I am an Electronics engineer by academics; I performed “Hamlet” on my project presentation. As a result, I now do it every Thursday.

I have been world famous before the invention of mass-media.

I have solved many universal mysteries, recent one being “Anthony Cone Hai ?”.

I repair space-shuttles every Sunday, after school. I denied presidency of Vietnam seven times, then US attacked them.

I am in perfect health after I got Electrocutioned, twice. Since that, I emit electrons every now and then, heres another ~~> e⁻

During my free time, I remodel nuclear power plants, thereby increasing its Colocation capacity. Often I am seen in daily news of Amazon, fighting the deadly Goulds.

I perform death defying stunts blindfold and can prepare 5-minute noodles in 2 minutes.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I make award winning mathematical jokes. I don't perspire. I almost had a diplodocus on my ninth birthday, turned out that it was a vegetarian.

I can summon fireflies through hypnotism. I watched exorcist thrice, everytime I missed the second half. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. I breed critically acclaimed mules, they recite Burlesque.

I have won prawn-hunting competitions in Malta and Pinball tournaments in Matindu.

I often figure out where to take a leek when I am giving Geography lectures.

During my re-creation time, I overspeed global warming and have made ozone wider by my sheer concentration. I decipher Mesoamerican mayan scripts.

Once, I prepared a full course meal with only twenty two varieties of semi-raw poppy plant.I have a diploma in designing doodles. I am the subject of countless mocumenteries.

I seldom blinks. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I edit photos of random people on Google. I make list of crappy songs. I have fake profile on every social networking site, I might be in your friend list.

I not famous but I receive fan-mails.

And

I write crap, people read it.

The good The BAD the Quilt

The year Gone. The year came.

Party s over kiddo.

Chapter 2. The Good, The Bad, The Quilt

As amusing as title sounds, heres something to complement it(prateek's orkut tagline - sometimes back) >> "Daru piyo te insaan bano..rotti toh kutte bhi kha lete hain.." !! ;)

For me the bad is as good as the good.And no, I m yet to go complete mad. So, heres insanity ....

What makes bad really "bad"? or How good is "good"?

This is for the purists, those who define so well in blacks n whites_ Does we lack the contemplation ?

I think we do..

Caz when we label something as "bad"..we make it bad forever, now it not just a thing.. its rather a bad_thing. Adjective becomes the noun. And thats how bad is bad .. about good -- well it all @#$%

Why is that people carry an anti-attitude for Booze, cigarettes or SEX(o:).. etc. etc.

Why are these the scapegoats for our idoticity ? If anyones dumb enough to smoke tens in a day.. hows puff the killer. Its we, who are weak enough to lose to our desires.

Heres the analogy - so many of us flunk caz we dont study(huff finally the truth comes out...relief), I wonder why studies are still so dear to our parents. Afterall, in both cases, its our weakness .. for one its attraction for other the contempt.

Talk about SEX and world go mad (ofcourse, its such a wonderful thing) .. {you bugger, I meant that in pejorative effects} .. (oh sorry), I mean its a misdemeanor to say the af you see kay but the hullabaloo over religion is so moral..

And abuses (I ll advocate them some,other time).

The point I am trying to make is to check the attitude.To know how a bad is exactly same as the good, to be pertinent to noun than to adjective.

For once, try giving reason to the bad. Why villain is not the hero and if so, why do we even need a villain ? What is the reason of existence of the BAD, the ANTI ??

If something "is", its for a reason..and we cant prioritize reason of things that cause us.

So I try to comprehend, the white of black.

Some good takes of bad - Gulaal(movie).. all bad the worst one wins, Simoquin Prophecies(book, Samit Basu).. has a commendable climax, the explanations of evil .

As for the QUILT..(to the one who knows what it means and I hope reads this)

There is no good outside, no bad inside.No wrongs, no right, atleast not bigger than your freewill.

The limit is you, try breaking it.

With Good/Bad Intentions.

L

PS - "Insaan bano, atleast koshish toh karo.."